Struggling with failing health and feeling completely helpless and alone

I am now fully and completely convinced that not being understood or
believed is the worst feeling ever.

So today after calling my endo’s office I FINALLY got the test results
back for my metanprhine levels. The nurse at the endo said it was
faxed to my other doctor, my primary. I emailed them and around 4pm I
got a reply saying to contact the endo AND shortly after Quest sent an
email stating my results had been uploaded to my account. Weird. So
who had them?

My metanprhine levels were low, so that accordingly means that I do
not “have” an adrenal tumor. I am guessing that was why my endo did
not call me or leave a message to explain it. I asked an adrenal tumor
group on Facebook and one person said that pheos mimick many other
diseases. Really? So this is going to be like my Lupus that to this
day is still not diagnosed or believed? I lost my job over this, and
was practically bedridden for a month after I fell ill.

I’m distraught and scared. I am worried that now this means that my
endo won’t do any further testing to rule an adrenal tumor out when
clearly I have all of the textbook symptoms. She even mentioned it
first, without me saying anything about an adrenal tumor. She seen my
high blood pressure levels. She seen my cortisol. Does this mean she
will just brush me off without any intent to help me figure out what
is going on? Can I get a urine test to completely rule it out before
she brushes me off? Where do I go from here? The endo who saw me is on
vacation, so I don’t know how far I can get.

And what do I tell my family? Who already don’t believe me? My dad
especially. He and his wife said I had Machaussen syndrome (which really
hurt my feelings. When they thought she had liver cancer I prayed
for her and showed concern, and now they shit on me by claiming I am
making my suffering up?). My sister blows it off and claims I am just
merely having hormone issues. And while I do agree from a certain
standpoint, I know in my heart that is not fully what is going on. I
felt so bad I couldn’t go back to work. I felt so bad I hopped in a
car with a stranger all the way to Mansfield Methodist feeling like I
was dying. I don’t think estrogen or progesterone can do that much
damage.

I am frustrated and sad and angry all at the same time. I’m scared for
my future. I got my dad breathing down my neck telling me he’s going
to sell the house by the end of the year and that I’d better get
better and get a job so he can move me out. It’s like no one sees my
pain or what I’m going through. Everyone just expects me to up and get
better and go back to work. No one knows Ufixit fired me yet.  Your
worth as a person and how you are treated by others is dependent on
how you function in society.. All I have gotten is disbelief and
lectures. I feel like I am banging on a glass wall that won’t break,
and no one sees me. It is the worst feeling in the world. I just want
someone to come up beside me, take my hand and tell me that they
understand me. That we will get through this together and that they
are there for me. That is all I need right now.

I have no money. I have been relying on other people for food. By the
grace of God I was able to get $200 in donations from friends on
facebook and a sweet lady who sent me food via Instacart a few weeks
ago. Someone even sent me $50 worth of supplements. God has definitely
been looking out for me. But I can’t rely on strangers kindness
forever. And I hate asking my dad for money because I know things are
tight with everyone. As it is I have no more toilet paper or dish
soap. I’ve been wiping with a dish rag and pouring water into what
little bit of soap I have left.. My cats are out of food and I got to
figure out how I can get them more with $9 left on my card. It’s a
scary feeling to have, not being stable. Not having the security of
money in the bank.

I can look back on the past and get angry. Why is this happening to
me? Why is everything falling apart? Why did I have to get sick when
all I was trying to do was do what my dad and everyone wanted me to do
by getting a second job? Why did I have to resign from U Fix  It?  Why
is no one believing me? Why do I have to struggle and deal with not
having enough money to feel secure in life? I was just trying to be
good and do what my dad wanted. I was honest with my money. I bought
my brother groceries for almost a year. I never down-talked my dad for
wanting to sell the house when my sister cussed him and Karla out. Why
did God let everything crumble for me? I am reminding myself that God
is not the author of this… Sometimes things happen.

God hasn’t left me desolate though. One of the things that has been
getting me though all of this is that guy I met on Reddit back in
April. We’ve become really close and we apparently love each other
now–whether it’s real or God’s will is up for grabs–but he sure has
been a great comfort to me. On nights when I felt really sick and kept
waking up in panic, his texts soothed me. I felt like I was okay. He
even got me though the morning I went to the hospital by calming me
down and helping me think rationally. I bought us friendship keychains
with our initials and a charm that says “no matter where”.  I don’t
know if we will ever really meet each other of if our “relationship”
will even last, but for now it is helping me. I will go with it.  But
I am playing it safe inside. I know this guy may not be a part of my
life. And if I can’t get better he sure ain’t gonna stick around.

Today I went into the laundry room and sat down in a chair and told
God that I know He loves and cares about me, and that He sees what I
am going through more than anybody can. I told Him that I am
surrendering my health situation over to Him for Him to take care of.
I prayed that I continue to trust Him and for Him to keep me in His
hands.

Writing all of this really helps…I guess. I just needed to record
all of this for future reference. Maybe the future me will be reading
this from my inbox healthy and happy, and hopefully in a much better
situation than the one I am in now.

That’s it for now. I hope the next entry yields better news.

Image may contain: one or more people, people sleeping and indoor

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