Life changes have definitely been on the horizon in my life lately. I’ll start with the biggest.
So I got a second job at a grocery store that has opened near me. I will be a courtesy clerk (just like my first job back in 2015). I will be bagging groceries and dragging carts back into the store. I seriously re-thought my decision when I realized the physical demands of the job. I am still not 100% in my health. I have fatigue quite often, and walking up stairs makes me short of breath easily. I also need to be careful in the hot summer sun because of my “Lupus” (which is still playing hide and seek). It is times like these where I wish I would have stuck with my high raw diet to help me heal. I will have to really work on eating more fruits and veggies if I am going to hold down this job.
My first day was Thursday. Since the store is still closed until the grand opening, all I did was learn how the ClickList device worked and helped two older ladies tag items near the pharmacy aisle. When I came home I was so tired I felt like I could barely breathe, and I only worked 4 hours! The next day I would have to be there for 8 hours. I was scared out of my pants. I prayed and told God, “if being there 4 hours made me feel like this, how am I gonna handle 8 hours?”. Once again God took care of me. I ended up surviving the 8 hour day. My legs and feet hurt from standing all day, but I expected that. It wasn’t my first rodeo after all. This time I helped clean the cash register areas and windows. I also got to sit down while a guy who was in charge of answering the phones went on break. I was SO nervous the phone would ring while he was gone, but it didn’t. And I got to rest my legs. The next day, which was yesterday, was a lot better and more fun. I got to actually meet some people and walk around the store doing things. I met two girls and the oldest took us on a tour to the back room of the store where all of the receiving business goes on. It was fun! I got to see a lot of people, and some of them are really funny and nice! I helped them organize the kitchen items and sweep the back area and attach store flyers to a hanger. I worked as a team for the first time, and it was cool. I didn’t think I would enjoy it as much as I did. I like to work solo, and I really like my bookkeeping job Mon-Weds, but I am thinking this new job will be a big help in teaching me how to work with others closely.
I hope it stays this fun. The only thing I am not enjoying is the fact my body feels so tired and achy after. My legs and feet felt like they were put through a paper shredder last night, and my hips hurt every time I stood up. Thankfully I didn’t wake up today with more pain. Hot baths really soothe it. I hope my health can withstand the demands of this job. I don’t like the fact that I will be working 48 hours now and only have one day off, but I keep telling myself this isn’t forever, and it is just to help me get a savings going so I can buy a car and place to live.
Secondly, I am dealing with the loss of a friend who I talked about here before. That guy from Reddit, we’ll call him Mark. We talked for almost over a whole month and I felt like we really connected. He was a Christian so my heart thought that gave me it permission to fall in. It was a mistake. I later found out he has some real issues that need to be healed before he has a relationship, and me too. I mean, I have some BIG issues that God has been dealing with me about this year. But that doesn’t stop the heart from wanting what it wants unfortunately. We “fell in love”. I know it wasn’t real love because we didn’t actually know each other in real life, but I told him things I have never told anyone else and he too. We were vulnerable, and it was amazing to have that friendship. We talked about everything. Death, God, family, life, loneliness, and even how we were born. We exchanged childhood photos, too. I know his birth-date and how his mom shares his birthday. I found out how he accidentally ruined his eyesight with mace when he was five years old. I learned his family history and how they own a big small town business. For once I felt like someone was real with me, and I could be real back. The ache in my chest finally left and I felt like I was known. So as a result it hasn’t been easy letting him go. God told me I shouldn’t talk to him anymore because my feelings went too deep. I found myself wanting to spend my life with this guy, and I didn’t even know him in real life. I pictured us getting married and sharing life together. And I’m supposed to be single so I can serve God! It really taught me a lesson about eros love. Once you fall in, it is very very easy to lose yourself and forget logic. I felt out of control. And I didn’t like it. It made me feel far from God. The final straw was when I found my heart wanted to connect physically with this person. It was scary. I knew I had to end it. It wasn’t doing me any good, and I couldn’t allow myself to develop strong feelings for someone who is severely depressed and needs to heal first. And I knew God has other plans for me at this stage in my life. I am not meant to be married just yet, if ever. I truly feel God has called me to celibacy, and letting myself stew in romantic feelings for someone could be dangerous.
But with all of the new things happening in my life, the temptation to talk to him has been fierce. He was my friend, so naturally my heart wants to confide in him. I want to tell him about my new job, how I’m scared about not having time anymore, and how I fear all of these life changes. All day long my heart ached for him. I wanted to text him. I wanted to tell him I miss him. I literally let my heart wallow in my longings and imagined us being close together and snuggling because it made me feel safe. I didn’t have a very great day today because I found out something about a close family member that made me really upset–and I just wanted to talk to Mark about it. I wanted to be close to him. I wanted to go to him as if he were my husband and just hold onto him. I kept praying he would text me as a sign God really did want me to talk to him, even though deep down I knew the truth. God said no. The only thing I can do now is let it go and grieve the loss of our friendship.
But I miss him. I love him. My heart keeps crying for him. But I am reminded that this is the natural order of things, as God ordained. The Bible says that a woman’s desire will be for her husband, but he will rule over her. I let my heart’s guard down and allowed myself to be foolish and now I am attached to a person who I will never meet or talk to again. I am afraid to let him go because I think, what if I never find someone who I connect with like this? But I remember maybe I am not meant to connect this way with a guy. If God truly plans for me to be single so I can serve Him and others, then I must take my eyes off guys and on to Him. And it is hard. REAL hard when you’re 24 years old and everyone else around you is getting married and starting families. Even though I have made my choice to not have or raise children, somewhere waaaaaaaay deep down inside of me, the part that isn’t screwed up by my mental illness, I desire to be a wife and mother. Just one kid, though lol. Sometimes I have dreams of me and my “husband” sitting close together holding our little girl in our arms. It is the most amazing feeling I have ever felt that my mind has fabricated. Even just in dreams. I feel so safe and warm. I never want to wake up. If I ever experience that in real life I swear I will die.
But I don’t know God’s plan. I just hope I am following it. And I hope He is pleased with me. I also hope He will continue to be with me as I enter this new chapter in my life. This scary, frightening, lonely chapter.